#8 Happy New Year

Africans all over the world join other
nations in the celebration of life as we
all enter into the new year. But do Africans act identically like all people from all nations? NO!!!. The reason behind this is that most Africans tend to buy a lot of stuff before the entrance into the New Year, I call this the "New Year = New almost Everything" system. This is due to the fact that they buy new shirts, new jerseys, for women new skirts, new blouses, new shoes, in fact new clothing accesories in short. For those who are not financially challenged. they can even buy new cars and go the extra mile. I once had a friend of mine (name not revealed) who bought his wife a 2010 E-class Mercedes on the 31st of December 2009, because he said that if his wife entered the new year with a 2009 model it would make her feel 'Old Skool', Crazy!!!. But the Great thing about Africans is that their New Year Celebrations are always full of life and energy .

TO all our viewers. We wish you all a Happy New Year full of Success.

VIDEO OF THE YEAR!!!


Thank You for your Support. Happy New Year.

#7 Meat!!!

Whereas Westerners now have to be convinced to even touch red meat, Africa would need the propaganda of the Nazi empire doubled over to convince them to leave their precious cows, goats and chickens for even a week.

Africans love meat. Always have! By the looks of things, always will. In almost all African communities, since centuries gone by, the slaughter and consumption of animals is always a special event in and of itself. Africans even have a hierarchy on how special the day of slaughter is and it goes a little something like this:

The bigger and fatter the animal and the redder their meat, the more special the occasion.

That means that to slaughter a chicken is basically an indirect way of insulting a man; slaughter a baby chick and you are declaring war. On the other end of the spectrum, slaughter your fattest cow and it is clear to your invited guests that you mean business and your house is one to be returned to.

For those misguided souls who for a variety of reasons chose to go without meat, such as yours truly, we are met with looks that can only be described as:

bewilderment-mixed-with-a-feeling-of-being-bamboozled-and-

inability-to-understand-such-an-alien-concept.

For you see, a diet consisting of fruits and vegetables has always been an indication of either poverty or getting by. If you can afford many cows AND you have so many that you can slaughter some on a regular basis and you are the King Mswati of your constituency. You should know by now how much Africans love to keep with the Jones. And never forget dowry was paid in cows, not wheatgrass.

The key to this one is simple. Don’t EVER bring up your veganism or vegetarianism unless asked. This will cause the African to look down on you with such pity and aching in their heart that they will immediately work to “bring you back to the light” in the same way a Jehovah’s Witness would.

In addition to that, never ever blame any health problems on meat. By now you should have learned of a great Scape goat (me likes that pun) in the statement, “It’s the work of Satan !” Use that liberally.

Finally, the African has built entire societies and communities around meat. Learn how to cook meat right like only the African can.
If this meaty article has added some knowledge or entertainment to your bones, please click the "Like" button.

#6 Big Words!!!

I could lie and say that this post came to me in a dream or an epiphany but I won’t lie. After reading Stuff White People Like and Stuff Educated Black People Like, I thought to myself, “That looks fun. I should do that.” So here we are. We begin with one of my favorites……….

• Why say large when you can say monumental?
• Why say water when you can say H20?
• Why call it sleeping sickness when you can call it trypanosomiasis?



The African will take every opportunity they can, whether asked to or not, to prove that they are better educated and more eloquent than you. Ensure that you keep your dictionary handy because a conversation with an African is not complete unless he can stretch out a two syllable word into an eight syllable extravaganza.



Don't use Big Words...



Here you must be tactful. You must feign amazement (you see it happens to me too =)) even though you think he is basically blowing grandiloquent smoke (there I go again) out of his melanin filled rear.

Don’t pretend to be too blown away though! This may come off as patronizing. Always remember that the African is trying to be condescending to you.

Once the African is confident that he/she has proven his/her superiority to you, he will be comfortable around you and may even buy you food and drinks.

Sure, they may constantly remind you of how much better they are than you, but it’s free food AND a free vocabulary lesson. Do you really want to pass that up?

#5 Soccer

Nothing brings a continent together like the game of soccer.

The World Cup brings a whole new spectacle of antics and excessive African pride from anyone with even an ounce of African blood; suddenly, you begin to see people out of the woodworks just claiming their African heritage.

People that you didn’t even know liked Soccer suddenly become World Cup commentators. This is the stage where arguably the best of the best are brought together to compete in the game of football and fight for the pride of their country. 

This is also the time when people tend to bet and bid money on various matches, well others call it the time to win and lose money. In short soccer is what makes Africa to come together with one mind. Too bad it the world cup only comes every 4 years.

#4 Employment

Africans collectively are probably the best educated group of middle managers the world over. We love employment.Entrepreneurship is for these crazy Westerners. Employment is OUR natural habitat.

When we are born, we all want to work in some big corporate office and wear a very expensive suit and just enough cologne so that everyone can whiff the money as you walk on by. We are taught to expect the long days in meetings, the powerpoint presentations and the water cooler oops this is Africa where it doesn’t work so let’s say the tea room where you boil some tap water with some fantastic tea leaves while you complain about the pain in the Gluteus that your boss is being.

Right next to this love of employment is a hatred and fear of entrepreneurship. Africans don’t like risk and taking chances. We don’t care if the top 50 billionaires are predominantly business owners who created new niches and sub niches in the marketplace, we reason the 500 poorest folk were probably trying to do the exact same thing. We hate the fact that entrepreneurship means responsibility, especially when we fail…boy do we loathe and dread failure.

And so the typical African likes to stay in their cushy office and make fun of anyone who might try something as crazy as entrepreneurship. The key to this one is quite simple:

Marvel at whatever job title the African may present to you and always keep in mind the story of someone who started some really stupid business that ended up failing. This will amuse the African and remind them why they do the 9 to 5 thing in the first place.

To understand the habits and likes of the African person, make sure you stay up to date via RSS or email: The blog continues to stay updated. l8tr!!

#3 Expensive Cars

I remember once meeting a man who had immigrated over from Zimbabwe and been around for a couple of years. This man was working a minimum wage to support his University education but let me assure you, that man had a PHD in Vehicular Science

Car Specifications

The man could spit out the name, rank, serial number, engine size, horsepower and shoe size of every vehicle that cost more than ten thousand dollars. Whether it was explaining why Lambogini was so superior to other brands or Mercedes was just a run of the mill car, it didn’t matter: as we sat in that Mazda 121, we were participating in a true car connoisseur session.

Sex Makes A Difference

The love for cars is different amongst male and female children of the soil. Men love to read car magazines and understand the beauty, the symmetry, the proportions, the pieces, the systems, the history and the mechanics behind the vehicle.

It doesn’t matter if he is part of the Walking Elite or has a barely getting by contraption that needs a screwdriver in the cigarette lighter to start, he will stop by any street corner pick up the latest edition of Cars Magazine and for a few minutes escape into a land where there is a beautiful car on one side and a gorgeous, voluptuous woman on the other.

Women on the other hand don’t know or care about what’s under the hood. All they care about is four things: how the car looks, how much it costs, how it’ll make her feel and how it’ll look to people whose

opinions matter.

If a car ticks all four of the above boxes, a woman doesn’t care if the engine is made of titanium and assembled by Swiss engineers of Chinese descent: you had her at $70,000+

What to Do?

This one is quite simple:

1) If the African doesn’t have the car, “that they KNOW they deserve yet,”, then indulge them in their fantasies and continually remind them that one sweet day it’ll happen for them.

2) If they have the car already then just like the degrees, don’t forget to oohh and aaahhhh with delight that can only be compared to the cries of post-apocalyptic angels.

#2 Overdressing

Fashionistas are not the brightest people on Earth. Don’t they realize how much of their business comes from Nairobi, Jo’burg and Lagos alone. If they did, they would probably fly over the sub-Saharan continent on the way to Milan to show love to people who clearly love them.

It’s not simply clothing for us. It accomplishes the same things that money, degrees and money do: they make one African feel better than the other. And ultimately this is powerful to the African person.

If someone’s neighbour decides that Louis Vitton is the way to go. Watch out because soon she will not only have Louis Vitton hairbands but also Jimmy Choo shoes and Prada braces.

If it gets to the point where every inch of someone’s body is clearly adorned with show off pieces of Western branding then one can always revert to the default of “Africa themed attire” and accuse their competitor of pandering to Westernization while you are “keeping it real”. As long as my clothes are better than yours

It is remarkable how in spite of so many variations of “fashionable” there are within the fashion continent, some things remain so remarkably consistent. Therefore should you want to know whether an African is a fashionable one or not, look out for the following:

a) The shoes must match the belt (this one is set in stone and is Commandment number 11)

b) The hair must be as unnatural as possible. Simply combing it and not leaving it to grow wild is a great start. The more synthetic the process the better (The first person to read about the disciples having tongues of fire burning their head must have thought they were reading the story of an African at the saloon).

c) Every man and woman must have a work suit, after all how else can they get advanced degrees, climb up the corporate ladder and make bucket-loads of money to put bird’s nests on their head if they don’t have it.

d) Wearing natural hair ALL the time is the choice of only the misguided.

Remember, if the clothes or the hair cost some money, you insult or mock them at your own peril. Keep the above tips in mind and you should be fine.

#1 Money

Whereas other groups of people may take pride in proclaiming that, “they are beyond money” or “money is not the cause of my happiness”, that bug is yet to hit the African continent. Africans have an unrestrained love of money and equate it’s pursuit and attainment with happiness.

That is the reason why African mothers choose the University paths for their children the moment you come out of the womb: That path will lead to a great career as a pilot/lawyer/doctor/businessman/insert wealthy professional here. It’s just being smart: if the child ends up rich, then they will be able to brag to all their friends while they see out their retirement years in style.

Africans unashamedly look down upon manual and blue collar professions which tend to be the fort of the African poor and throw confetti and roll out red carpets anytime they are in the presence of wealth.

The key to how to handle this situation depends on at what stage of the socio-economic ladder the African is at:

a) If they’re poor or up and comers, empathize with them and the struggles they have to go through just to “hustle and make that paper, when the world keeps trying to bring them down.” At this stage it’s usually OK for you to pay for everything as the African will probably have a few holes in his pocket through which all their money escaped.

b) If they have any form of wealth, be sure to be the number one fan of all their displays of material wealth (refer to the article on Degrees for more guidance). Their plasma TV, their overpriced car, their expensive-but-Dear-sweetness-is-that-a-bird-nest-on-their-head hairdo amongst other things.

In addition to that, don’t discuss new age ideas like, “money isn’t the root of all happiness,” or “you don’t need money to live well,” to Africans. They will begin to get concerned about the state of your mental health.

There is much more to be said about the African relationship with money, but that is for another day and another edition of Stuff African People Like.