#10. Stuff African People Like: Their Solutions to Africa’s Problems

There is no gathering of African people anywhere around the world that doesn’t include the customary discussion of just what is wrong with Africa and how to fix it.

Don’t get me wrong though, it is far from a democratic discussion. The philosophy that gets the most airtime in the imaginations of the listeners is that of the loudest most dominant person. Sad to say, the expression that “empty vessels make the most noise” isn’t just a coffee mug logo: a lot of the time it’s true.

Sometimes however one is surprised by the quiet person in the group who proposes something like,

” We should take all the members of the (insert group they don’t like living in the country) and kick them out or use them for genetic testing.”

A key component of these bar room/church crusade/casual gathering strategy and philosophy sessions is no action must come out of them. For you see if the African knew they had to act on everything they said, they would feel a lot less free to share.

Therefore should you ever engage in these conversations with members of the continent be sure to:

a) Marvel at the brilliance of the most popular opinion. There is no need for you to give any form of input: By now it should be clear that the African is simply content seeming smarter than you. So make sure you acknowledge them as you would Einstein if you were there when he created the theory of relativity.

b) Whenever they discuss the African problems be sure to leer and express disgust at whatever outside force the speaker claims are responsible for Africa’s woes-other ethnic group, white man, politicians, women,men etc etc. Honestly you cannot go wrong with, “Satan is a liar,“, thrown into the mix every so often.

c) NEVER EVER EVER EVER propose or even think about putting any of these ideas into action. If you begin thinking or acting in that direction, Africans will quickly kick you out of their gathering: after all the African is talking to you to feel all smart and powerful, not to act or be held accountable: that’s just too much work and time taken away from making money, rising through the ranks and garnering degrees.

#9 Being Late

African people love to find out exactly what time an event starts so they can be a minimum of 5 hours late. This is the buffer time that must be set when planning an event. If your graduation party starts at 4pm on the flyer, make sure the DJ and MC are there by at least 6 because it’s understood that people will be there around or after 9pm. No matter what you DON’T have going on, if you are African, plan on being as late as possible to fit the breed you belong to.

Can you imagine? My own wedding begins at 2pm, at 4pm we begin to shower, and get there at 5pm, forgetting that the wedding started 3 hours ago.

Even when it comes to events like graduation, i had a friend of mine who showed up late for his graduation and missed the opportunity of him walking on stage to collect his certificate as people cheer him. People!, let us all try to be more punctual in all we do, it pays. cheers.

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