#10. Stuff African People Like: Their Solutions to Africa’s Problems

There is no gathering of African people anywhere around the world that doesn’t include the customary discussion of just what is wrong with Africa and how to fix it.

Don’t get me wrong though, it is far from a democratic discussion. The philosophy that gets the most airtime in the imaginations of the listeners is that of the loudest most dominant person. Sad to say, the expression that “empty vessels make the most noise” isn’t just a coffee mug logo: a lot of the time it’s true.

Sometimes however one is surprised by the quiet person in the group who proposes something like,

” We should take all the members of the (insert group they don’t like living in the country) and kick them out or use them for genetic testing.”

A key component of these bar room/church crusade/casual gathering strategy and philosophy sessions is no action must come out of them. For you see if the African knew they had to act on everything they said, they would feel a lot less free to share.

Therefore should you ever engage in these conversations with members of the continent be sure to:

a) Marvel at the brilliance of the most popular opinion. There is no need for you to give any form of input: By now it should be clear that the African is simply content seeming smarter than you. So make sure you acknowledge them as you would Einstein if you were there when he created the theory of relativity.

b) Whenever they discuss the African problems be sure to leer and express disgust at whatever outside force the speaker claims are responsible for Africa’s woes-other ethnic group, white man, politicians, women,men etc etc. Honestly you cannot go wrong with, “Satan is a liar,“, thrown into the mix every so often.

c) NEVER EVER EVER EVER propose or even think about putting any of these ideas into action. If you begin thinking or acting in that direction, Africans will quickly kick you out of their gathering: after all the African is talking to you to feel all smart and powerful, not to act or be held accountable: that’s just too much work and time taken away from making money, rising through the ranks and garnering degrees.

#9 Being Late

African people love to find out exactly what time an event starts so they can be a minimum of 5 hours late. This is the buffer time that must be set when planning an event. If your graduation party starts at 4pm on the flyer, make sure the DJ and MC are there by at least 6 because it’s understood that people will be there around or after 9pm. No matter what you DON’T have going on, if you are African, plan on being as late as possible to fit the breed you belong to.

Can you imagine? My own wedding begins at 2pm, at 4pm we begin to shower, and get there at 5pm, forgetting that the wedding started 3 hours ago.

Even when it comes to events like graduation, i had a friend of mine who showed up late for his graduation and missed the opportunity of him walking on stage to collect his certificate as people cheer him. People!, let us all try to be more punctual in all we do, it pays. cheers.

Feel Free to Comment Below!

#8 Happy New Year

Africans all over the world join other
nations in the celebration of life as we
all enter into the new year. But do Africans act identically like all people from all nations? NO!!!. The reason behind this is that most Africans tend to buy a lot of stuff before the entrance into the New Year, I call this the "New Year = New almost Everything" system. This is due to the fact that they buy new shirts, new jerseys, for women new skirts, new blouses, new shoes, in fact new clothing accesories in short. For those who are not financially challenged. they can even buy new cars and go the extra mile. I once had a friend of mine (name not revealed) who bought his wife a 2010 E-class Mercedes on the 31st of December 2009, because he said that if his wife entered the new year with a 2009 model it would make her feel 'Old Skool', Crazy!!!. But the Great thing about Africans is that their New Year Celebrations are always full of life and energy .

TO all our viewers. We wish you all a Happy New Year full of Success.

VIDEO OF THE YEAR!!!


Thank You for your Support. Happy New Year.

#7 Meat!!!

Whereas Westerners now have to be convinced to even touch red meat, Africa would need the propaganda of the Nazi empire doubled over to convince them to leave their precious cows, goats and chickens for even a week.

Africans love meat. Always have! By the looks of things, always will. In almost all African communities, since centuries gone by, the slaughter and consumption of animals is always a special event in and of itself. Africans even have a hierarchy on how special the day of slaughter is and it goes a little something like this:

The bigger and fatter the animal and the redder their meat, the more special the occasion.

That means that to slaughter a chicken is basically an indirect way of insulting a man; slaughter a baby chick and you are declaring war. On the other end of the spectrum, slaughter your fattest cow and it is clear to your invited guests that you mean business and your house is one to be returned to.

For those misguided souls who for a variety of reasons chose to go without meat, such as yours truly, we are met with looks that can only be described as:

bewilderment-mixed-with-a-feeling-of-being-bamboozled-and-

inability-to-understand-such-an-alien-concept.

For you see, a diet consisting of fruits and vegetables has always been an indication of either poverty or getting by. If you can afford many cows AND you have so many that you can slaughter some on a regular basis and you are the King Mswati of your constituency. You should know by now how much Africans love to keep with the Jones. And never forget dowry was paid in cows, not wheatgrass.

The key to this one is simple. Don’t EVER bring up your veganism or vegetarianism unless asked. This will cause the African to look down on you with such pity and aching in their heart that they will immediately work to “bring you back to the light” in the same way a Jehovah’s Witness would.

In addition to that, never ever blame any health problems on meat. By now you should have learned of a great Scape goat (me likes that pun) in the statement, “It’s the work of Satan !” Use that liberally.

Finally, the African has built entire societies and communities around meat. Learn how to cook meat right like only the African can.
If this meaty article has added some knowledge or entertainment to your bones, please click the "Like" button.

#6 Big Words!!!

I could lie and say that this post came to me in a dream or an epiphany but I won’t lie. After reading Stuff White People Like and Stuff Educated Black People Like, I thought to myself, “That looks fun. I should do that.” So here we are. We begin with one of my favorites……….

• Why say large when you can say monumental?
• Why say water when you can say H20?
• Why call it sleeping sickness when you can call it trypanosomiasis?



The African will take every opportunity they can, whether asked to or not, to prove that they are better educated and more eloquent than you. Ensure that you keep your dictionary handy because a conversation with an African is not complete unless he can stretch out a two syllable word into an eight syllable extravaganza.



Don't use Big Words...



Here you must be tactful. You must feign amazement (you see it happens to me too =)) even though you think he is basically blowing grandiloquent smoke (there I go again) out of his melanin filled rear.

Don’t pretend to be too blown away though! This may come off as patronizing. Always remember that the African is trying to be condescending to you.

Once the African is confident that he/she has proven his/her superiority to you, he will be comfortable around you and may even buy you food and drinks.

Sure, they may constantly remind you of how much better they are than you, but it’s free food AND a free vocabulary lesson. Do you really want to pass that up?

#5 Soccer

Nothing brings a continent together like the game of soccer.

The World Cup brings a whole new spectacle of antics and excessive African pride from anyone with even an ounce of African blood; suddenly, you begin to see people out of the woodworks just claiming their African heritage.

People that you didn’t even know liked Soccer suddenly become World Cup commentators. This is the stage where arguably the best of the best are brought together to compete in the game of football and fight for the pride of their country. 

This is also the time when people tend to bet and bid money on various matches, well others call it the time to win and lose money. In short soccer is what makes Africa to come together with one mind. Too bad it the world cup only comes every 4 years.

#4 Employment

Africans collectively are probably the best educated group of middle managers the world over. We love employment.Entrepreneurship is for these crazy Westerners. Employment is OUR natural habitat.

When we are born, we all want to work in some big corporate office and wear a very expensive suit and just enough cologne so that everyone can whiff the money as you walk on by. We are taught to expect the long days in meetings, the powerpoint presentations and the water cooler oops this is Africa where it doesn’t work so let’s say the tea room where you boil some tap water with some fantastic tea leaves while you complain about the pain in the Gluteus that your boss is being.

Right next to this love of employment is a hatred and fear of entrepreneurship. Africans don’t like risk and taking chances. We don’t care if the top 50 billionaires are predominantly business owners who created new niches and sub niches in the marketplace, we reason the 500 poorest folk were probably trying to do the exact same thing. We hate the fact that entrepreneurship means responsibility, especially when we fail…boy do we loathe and dread failure.

And so the typical African likes to stay in their cushy office and make fun of anyone who might try something as crazy as entrepreneurship. The key to this one is quite simple:

Marvel at whatever job title the African may present to you and always keep in mind the story of someone who started some really stupid business that ended up failing. This will amuse the African and remind them why they do the 9 to 5 thing in the first place.

To understand the habits and likes of the African person, make sure you stay up to date via RSS or email: The blog continues to stay updated. l8tr!!